From the Heart

For the past few weeks I have been suffering from acute neck and shoulder pain. I guess, in his own empathic way, my three year old son has sensed this and exploited it upon occasion. Like the time when he, for the first time in his life, challenged me to a wrestling match and won. Like the times when he runs away from teeth brushing, pajama changing, etc. because he knows I lack the energy to chase. Or like his new obsession, which is to climb up on the back of the couch while I sit in it, and attempt to break dance on my head.

Last night I took a hot shower to attempt to loosen up the stiff muscles and gain a few minutes of pain relief. After my shower I lay face down on my bed, covered up to my hips with the bed sheet and gently tried to stretch my neck from side to side. Suddenly there was movement on the bed and my dear son leapt onto my lower back and straddled me.

This caused me no pain so I did not protest him being there. He asked me what I am doing and I told him I was resting and stretching my neck.

"Daddy, are you still hurt in your neck?" He asked, full of enthusiasm.

"Why yes, son, it still hurts quite badly." I replied.

"Daddy, I fix your neck." He gets off of me and runs over to the other side of the bed and mimes bending down and picking something up.

"Daddy, can I play Doctor with you?" he asked innocently. Understanding that he was now holding his imaginary doctor's bag I was pleased to help encourage his active imagination.

"Sure thing son, go right ahead."

"OK daddy. I am going to take your heart out."

I thought that this was a rather strange thing to say, but how am I to understand the thought processes of a three year old boy?

"OK son, you go ahead"

Suddenly the sheet is whisked away exposing my manly buttocks to the world. My dear son kneels down beside me and in one fluid motion sticks his finger into my butt crack and states.

"I am going to take your heart out of your bum."

"Um OK." I said, rather uncomfortably. Then, with intense surgical movements he slowly starts poking his way lower and lower all the while telling me how he is the doctor and he is going to take my heart out of my bum.

I did what any self respecting father terrified of sexual abuse allegations would do. I ran for my life.

Jumping up I whipped on my house coat and flew down the stairs. My attentive doctor followed me the entire way calling to me "Daddy, come back I need to fix your neck and take your heart out of your bum." While I had my back to him I am certain his finger was extended and in my mind I envisioned a probing "come hither" motion. I picked up my pace and ran to my redeemer, my wife, who was in the basement working on the computer.

"Help me" I cried "I am about to be sexually assaulted by our son."

She gave me "The Look" and said "Really".

I explained what had happened.

As only a mommy could she called our son to her side and calmly but firmly told him that touching family members bums was OK as long as he only poked them in the fleshy part of their bums. One day we will tell him that he is to touch no bums at all, but really, he is three, his own bottom gets pinched, wiped, patted and touched dozens of times per day... that's just part of having a child, so he is just too young to teach proper boundaries for touch just yet.

I looked admiringly at my wife and said "Thanks honey, I really appreciate it." Turning I began to climb the stairs to go find some clothes.

My son turned to follow me as well but then paused to look at his mommy. Ever polite and sensitive to others he said "Thank you mommy for telling me about the fleshy part of the bum." Then, with his doctors hat firmly clamped on his head he began to chase me back up the stairs. "Daddy, wait for meeeee... I have to poke you in the fleshy part of your bum."

Strangely enough my heart just wasn't in it.